Stupid Squirrels…
I am scared of my own potential. I am currently working on a side project that could either set me apart in a big way, or I could fail. I am not afraid of failure necessarily, but I can’t really afford to fail this time.
I need a pep talk and I don’t know who to call…
Did you ever take those job placement test in school? The Army came to my high school and sponsored one of those tests. They were trying to recruit students, however, if you attended and took the test - you got out of your classes for a day and didn’t have to make up any assignments. And you received and participation points. I decided to take the test. By taking the test I got out of geometry- in the end this would actually help my grade.
When I was in kindergarten I decided I wanted to be a teacher. Up to this point, I still wanted to I guess. So I took the test, and the results came in. For some reason I remember talking about the results in my French class. I think a lot of the girls in the class had also taken the test. Madame, our French teacher, was talking to us about the results. Interior designer, journalist, artist… each were exciting and adventurous. When Madame, asked about my results, I remember sinking down in my chair and looking at the desk as I read my options: Electrician or Forest Ranger.
I remember Madame taking in the information, and looked at me with her deep crazy eyes as if she was searching my soul for the real results. Moments later, she replied with, ” yeah I could see that”. This crushed me. I didn’t want to make a career out of talking squirrels!
I realized more than anything, I needed to start taking more chances or I would end up in the wiring a tree house so the little critters of the forest could stay up and read at night…
I had to break out of my shell, and start talking to people or I would be hanging out solo collecting moss samples. I had to take that jump…
Now here I am, once again - having to take this crazy chance that I am not ready for. I feel like I have skipped a step along the way. I feel like I could hide under a mossy rock right about now…
BBQ & BFFs…
So there is nothing that I hate more than a group of friends getting together and planning a BBQ…( I hate BBQs more than I hate Bobbi Flay)
Don’t get me wrong, I love to grill - Love it! I love to organize parties - I love taking RSVPs and making out lists. This is what I do for a living - and I dig it. I have a great respect for the art of throwing a seamless and smooth BBQ. Anyone who thinks that that they can just throw a BBQ together especially with “friends” is the type of person that orders Ranch to go with their fries after the waitress has brought everything out and complains to the manager when she forgets to bring it out.
Let me go a step further - those that think they can throw a great BBQ in their back yard are vastly different than those that think they can throw a BBQ at a park. That’s the differences- a back yard BBQ is nothing - you know who is coming roughly - you have a fridge full of food more than likely if the burgers burn, and it is manageable.
Those that attempt a Park BBQs never consider the following:
- there will be no grills open - all will be used or broken
- the only open patio is open to a Mexican family who is on their third day celebrating a five year old’s birthday. They have a DJ and a jumping castle, and their family members just keep coming - ( Mexican’s can handle the responsibility of a Park BBQ).
- There will be at least five soccer teams practicing
- A few homeless men will be passed out in the women’s restroom and the men’s restroom is locked.
- The closest water fountain is a mile a away.
Those thinking they are in charge of said BBQ never consider the following:
- Who ever you invite will invite someone else - and your ex or some weird cousin gets invited!
- Anyone who says they will bring chips, brings a soda instead, not a six pack or a bottle of soda - just a single can of Diet Coke.
- Who ever said they would be in charge of plates only bring enough for five people ( Basically what was in their pantry - also they say, ” Happy Birthday”).
- No one remembers napkins
- At least five people will bring footballs - so that is covered
- Oh and someone thinks they will make something fancy - that is not really edible
- Oh and when you think you bought the multi pack of silverware, you actually bought a box of plastic knives - 500 knives.
At this point if you still think it is a good idea to plan a park BBQ - your best bet of getting something to eat is to see if the Mexican’s like football and offer the DJ the single can of Diet Coke.
This evening- Facebook left me a little present, a message. I love getting messages. This one, however, set me back. There are about 13 people from grade school I follow on Facebook, and somehow they all decided to throw an 8th grade reunion, and they want to have a park BBQ. I am still in shock over this… just reading the message hurts my blood.
Ok so lets review….
- These 13 or so long lost friends are just that. I like to see what they are up to now and again - but I have no real desire to see them or talk to them.
- 8th grade reunion, really - 8th grade was awful….
- The park in our hometown was never suitable to go play at, let allow cook food…Mexicans don’t even use it.
- Anytime I have seen anyone from my hometown it is crazy awkward.
- I wasn’t even cool in 8th grade - or in high school - so I don’t really want to go back to that…
- Plus lets face it no one is going to bring enough plates…
No good can come from park BBQs and fake Best Friends Forever…
* Please Note: I have nothing but love for Mexicans and their party planning abilities.
With Love From The Spurge…
I attended a wedding reception this past weekend. It just so happened to be my best friend’s wedding reception…
Oddly enough the last time I talked to the this best friend, was in December - she needed a place to crash. Before that, I called her needing to talk desperately - and rather than listening she told me to find a new friend, that was about four years ago. She truly is the best!
I think I was only invited because I made the effort to post my address on Facebook….
I attended in hopes of being the better person - and make some effort. ( I don’t have many friends that I actually stay in contact with that date back to high school).
When walking into the reception, I thought to myself that I was such a good person for not writing something crazy bitter in the guest book, like - “Hey remember how you owe me $500 from college when I started paying your bills so they wouldn’t turn off the power - Lots of Love Bestie!”…. But then the Event Organizer switch flipped when I walked into the room, and I became a judgmental monster…
Something Old: Because Arizona is so damn hot, fresh flowers just melt even if you are in doors. So people will use silk flower - or wait until December to get married. Now there are good silk flowers and their are dollar store silk flowers. If you think you are getting a deal with the dollar store flowers - you should buy the fresh melted flowers, they will look better! This room had flowers everywhere, wall panels had these sad old flowers pinned to them- making the walls look like they were moving- like bad textured wall paper.
Something New: What is the current trend of Brides deciding they are too good for wedding cake? This new development is stupid - and frankly rude. I get that you LOVE cheesecake, we all do. It is called a Groom’s cake. You have it on the side and only give it to people you like. Ok - so there is no wedding cake, and lets be honest that is really why I went- to get a good piece of cake. They are only serving crappy no bake cheese cake with weird serve yourself toppings. Again - if someone is going to travel to give you a hug and take their present back off the pile as they walk out, the very least you should do is give them a good piece of cake! Oh and sushi - that’s right, they had sushi. There is no place at a wedding or the reception for sushi. I don’t care if it is the cute thing you and “whats his bucket” ate together on date night - save it for date night.
Something Borrowed: So after sitting awhile and really taking in the true hot mess that was before me, I realized that music was playing in the background. This particular friend has been studying to get her master’s degree in music composition, thus requiring her to write her own music, ( which by the way all she talked about when she crashed in December). Anyway, the music playing was all her stuff that she composed or music that her nifty graduate student friends composed. I so badly wanted to plug in my ipod or somehow disconnect the sound system. Surely there was someone that offered for her to borrow crappy generic wedding cds, right?
Something Blue: When leaving the reception, I couldn’t help but feel sad, as if I truly has lost her. That the dreams we shared together and the late nights we spent together talking about guys or crying over something stupid, had meant nothing. I left feeling that I was never more than a convenience. When others had left her behind I just happened to be there. When no one else would pick up the pieces of her crushed heart when she was dumped by her first serious boyfriend, who watch Peter Pan with her every night for three weeks straight?
A Sixpence in Your Shoe… The only thing that lifted my spirit as I left the parking lot was that the newlyweds would share their bed with a creepy stuffed animal named “Germie”. This friend, had this little bear since she was a baby and has never spent a night without him. Just the image of someone trying to having a romantic wedding night and there be an old worn bear watching you doing your thing…
May all their children be conceived while Germie sits watching with beautifully composed music is played…
Rock ‘em Sock ‘em…
One of my employees put in her two weeks, today was her last day. I am not heart broken about loosing this employee- despite all the good she thought she did. She is actually one of the most destructive people I think I have ever met. Imagine if Skeletor and Strawberry Shortcake ( The old school Shortcake with the curly hair) had a bipolar hippie child that lived off of nothing but soup and protein drinks. You would have my employee… No stop- sit there and drink this in…
A middle age woman who has all the wonderful characteristics of cute lovable shortcake but is forever damaged by whatever her evil Skeletor father did to cause her to have an eating disorder - leaving her only able to crave Lipton soup packets and chocolate powder protein…. Thus a tall freakishly skeletor skinny woman with borderline lesbian haircut who is bat shit crazy… oh and she really likes to wear Tom’s shoes. ( I don’t know why that is important, but it is). Oh and she is super into God, like even more so than born again christian who like to tell anyone they meet that Jesus loves them, and yet never attends church.
She is gone, and now I get to start picking up the pieces…
I will give her this, she taught me something. She taught me that pays off to be a real,down to earth, nice person. I like to think of myself as such, from time to time at least. Being nice takes work…
So I have decided to make a little check list… if you find yourself doing five or more things off this list… you may want to seek help from a doctor or life coach. If you find yourself doing ten or more of these things, maybe it is time that you start a hippie commune and create your own religion…. Good Luck!
Are you a Real Person, True or False?- Check List:
- You find it hard to make eye contact when other talk to you
- You only smile if you are being sarcastic
- You think that everyone around you is slow minded and beneath you
- You accuse accuse only the Mexican house keepers of stealing your water bottle, and report them to their boss - when you actually forgot your water bottle at home
- You offer black licorice to everyone in the office despite the fact they refuse it every time, and tell you that dislike it every time.
- You hum loudly during staff meetings ( while you boss is talking)
- You get upset if you desk chair is moved or if anyone sits in it
- You clean out the office microwave at least three times a day
- You judge others for eating cupcakes
- You claim to be a perfect driver, perfect!
- You find that anyone that wears make up or dresses in non organic clothing is a sinner
- You eat soup for at least two meals a day (same flavor - never changes)
- You own multiple Tom’s shoes and feel that they are appropriate for every occasion (*Special Note: Tom’s are cool - just not with wool socks…and not when you are approaching being crazy old and are pure evil).
- You sleep with the CEO, and can’t deal when he breaks up with you cause your lady part will kill him dead ( cause you are pure evil)
- You don’t believe in wishing people Happy Birthday
- You think being nice to coworkers makes it impossible to be professional
- You begin to yell at your computer when people accept your Outlook calendar invite and they send you the reply/ notice saying they have accepted
- You find fault in others, but never yourself…
- You also support the Army - A LOT, more than the Army supports the Army
Well how did you do? Are you a little more down to Earth than you thought? All of what was listed is true by the way… I know it seems impossible, but it make you wonder… How did Skeletor and Strawberry Shortcake meet? Blind date, mutual friend, internet dating service, AA meeting held at a Southern Bible Church,or at a shoe store and they both reached for a pair of Tom’s? Maybe it was in the grocery store picking out the same chocolate dirt protein powder? Or did little Miss Shortcake want to make Huckleberry jealous and go to a Frat party with Blueberry and get rufied by Skeletor…
Emily Posts Says, “No You Crazy B”….
Have you ever noticed that a week right before you go on a trip or vacation, it is hella busy. Yeah that’s right, Hella busy. And not the good kind of busy, but like that crazy everything goes wrong kind of hella busy. Welcome to my week…
With this in mind, I keep a pretty tight schedule. I like to stay busy, by staying busy I stay focused and am much more productive. While staying crazy busy and trying to be productive, I have a fair amount of meetings that I attend. I am usually on time if not early for meetings. It is kind of the golden rule of etiquette; “be on time and others will be on time for you”.( There is also a ring of karma to it)…
Today of all days I agreed to take a meeting with a client that approached me. They were going to be in the Valley just for the day taking multiple meetings. I agreed to meet them at 3:30pm today, I had a small window of time, that needed to be filled with an unnecessary meeting —- because apparently I felt I was Wonder Woman at the time of coordinating the appointment. Oh and they seemed to be so over booked when making the arrangements, it was as if I was helping them out in taking the late meeting.
What do they do… They show up at 2:00pm.
Today at 2:00pm, I had a party going on with about 70 people in attendance. The party took an ugly turn which required for me to stick around. But hey, it was OK because I didn’t have anything until 3:30pm.
During the party - the poor receptionist is trying her best to locate me. I finally check in on tablet, and realized I had several emails and voice mails from the front desk asking me to collect my visitors and meet with them. I unknowingly kept them waiting for about 35 minutes which bugged me - I felt so rude and unorganized.
Once I finally greeted my very early guests- they were ready to get down to business… they made their apologizes for being early, and were ready to talk. I promptly informed them that I was not able to meet at the unscheduled time, and I would not be able to meet later today, but I would love to take their business card.
They used every tactic in the book to try to keep me engaged in what they were presenting, and kept trying to tell me they could come back at a later time. I kindly took the card, gave my best generic smile, and told them I would email them.
While shaking their hands for what seemed like the fifth time, I felt time slow down and thought to myself… Why do I feel bad for them being an hour and a half early for a meeting they asked for? I have a meeting room of about 70 residents who are getting drunk off wine and Andes Mints in the middle of the afternoon, with a giant puddle of water that needed to be mopped up, and ten other things to attend to just in the next room. I’m all ready having a crazy week, I don’t need to deal with these overly eager clients - and I realized that I was at the end of my rope for the week… I was stressed, crazy tired, and still hella busy. And I had one of those moments that you really only see in television shows. Where two people are engaged in a conversation, and then one turns into a glazed eye zombie and walks away mid-sentence with out an explication or reason - leaving the other involved in the scene dumbfounded and confused and a little crushed.
As I walked away, glazed eyes - on the verge of becoming a true Zombie and seeking human flash to snack on - the interesting thought came into my mind: Did Emily Post ever break the rules she wrote for social order? Did she ever just screw with people and seat them next to people they would hate at a dinner party? Did she ever just bitch slap someone for not in RSVP-ing for a party and they just showed up anyway, unannounced? Rather than writing a thank you note, she writes on a Hello Kitty post-it, “I donated your crap of a gift to the homeless. They didn’t want it either.”
Did Emily Post ever get so burn out, that she began to hate what she once loved? Or did she simply know how to manage her time better and give herself limitations - and know when to take a real vacation?
2 more days, 2 more very long days…
