Gods save the Queen…
I think I have shared this theory with very few of you… and frankly it is kind of a weird theory. Just heard me out -
I believe that people from England that come to live in America are a magnet for white trash. Again, heard me out… I am not just making this up… I have somewhat concrete proof.
And really I have to clarify that English men that come to live in America are a magnet for white trash.
Before I dive into this- I have to give you something to keep you reading…
A) I love Princess Kate, however I do believe that if Prince William came to live in the states for just a couple of years - he would have made Kim Kardashian his wife.
B) My Step Mother-in-Law is from England. She moved to the states when she was 11.
C) I worked with an Executive Sous Chef that was from England for about three years.
Ok these three facts alone give me a little credibility. Lets start with Fact C: Chef Nick. Chef Nick came from a well bred family, that happened to be very wealthy, and happen to hold a large presence within the wine industry within the states. Nick mother had a great passion for cooking - blah blah blah Nick was shipped off to boarding school, blah blah blah, poor little rich boy, Nick grew up to be a chef. Nick was incredible - made food look amazing! He was a huge snob, fairly good looking, had the whole English accent, he was cultured, and I giggled every time he said “Mum”.
Nick had one thing wrong with him. He had this wild and unnatural attraction to older women. Ok - some guys can pull off the whole going after Cougars, I don’t get it… but whatever. But Nick had the ability to find the craziest go nuts women. To give you an idea- he was 24, had the potential talent to be one of the most influential chefs in the United States in five years easily. And he started to date a 40 year old, ex stripper (and ex stripper by like a year), who was divorced multiple times, loved rottweilers a little too much, who happened to have freakishly small hands, and had the life long dream to have her own cupcake shop one day. I made the mistake of hiring her to work in the restaurant that Nick and I worked at -and the nutty gem that she was made the description that I just gave seem normal…She ended up stealing from Nick, money, his rottweilers, and his heart.
After all of this happened - rather than taking a break from 40 year old women, Nick found himself another soccer mom. Nick actually left his really good job at the restaurant to become a fry cook at a bar to win over his new love. She was 40, bartender for life( her college education couldn’t get her a job), smoked multiple cigars a day( so naturally she sounded like a man), had six dogs - all of which slept in bed with her, and a really bad boob job.
Nick will never be a great chef, no one will ever experience his culinary talent, and will always wake up next to a dog butt. This example alone founded my theory about people from England. And could have potentially made Statement A, and fact - thankfully Prince William never spent years of his adolescent life in the states.
Now Fact B: My Step Mother-in- Law, was from England and made me realize that not all people from England are magnets for white trash, because she is great. Men from England are the true WT magnets… and this was proven to me just this week. I am currently planning a 90th birthday party for a women from England. We had our second meeting this week, she introduced me to daughter-in -law. The first thing that the daughter-in-law said to me was, “This party is going to kick ass”. This triggered everything I suppressed about Nick. I stepped back and took a double take at the woman standing before me. She was dripping with gold and questionable diamonds, glitter tipped fake nails, dressed like she was 20 years younger, thick thick eye liner, and crazy blue eye shadow…
As we talked over the details the daughter-in-law began to tell me all of her favorite and oh so original party secrets.
A) Pick A Theme - Purple ( COLORS ARE NOT A THEME!)
B) Give A Party Favor - M & M’s that go along with your theme, purple. And those M & M’s need to go in something - why not a wine glass that has something etched on them… oh and those wine glasses should also be purple.
C) Have a Slogan - ” Cheers to 90 years”
D) Signature Drink - Wine coolers
I honestly left that meeting, wondering why they even bothered asking for my help. If this story doesn’t prove my theory I don’t know what would. And why does a 90 year old woman need a kick ass party? What is kick ass about turning 90? It can be classy, fun, possibly depressing. When I think kick ass, I say bring in the keg of beer and the really good cover band.
I have all the love in the world for England. I would love to travel there one day. And really what do I know about party planning.
I guess all those white trash beauties of the world deserve to find their prince charming…